DEAR JANE: I accidentally invited the woman who is having a naughty affair with my best friend’s fiance to dinner with her

Dear Jane,

My wife and I are having some friends over for dinner in a few days – and one of our guests asked if she could bring a plus one. We have plenty of room so we said yes, excited that we might get a new member of our friendship group!

But while making the seating plan, I realized I didn’t know the plus one’s name, so I asked my friend to text me her information.

When she answered, my jaw dropped.

The woman in question has a very unique name and I quickly realized that she is the same person who has been having an ongoing affair with the fiance of one of our other guests.

Fiance won’t join us because he has plans with his kids from a previous marriage – but his partner will be there and she has no idea he’s been running this relationship behind her back.

But I do know that the woman having an affair will probably recognize the woman her boyfriend is engaged to…

I don’t think anyone else has realized that they’re both going to be in the same room together and I’m at a loss as to how to handle it. If I disinvite someone, I worry that it will look rude or, worse, raise suspicion. But if they both show up, it could result in an even more dire situation.

Please help!

From,

No idea what to do

Dear No idea what to do,

We always get into trouble when we try to control outcomes, or intervene in things that have nothing to do with us.

Complicity in affairs – knowing that one of your friends is having an affair – is always a heavy burden to bear, and think if you didn’t know anything about the affair, you wouldn’t be stressed now. You would have been happy with the plus one and would not have thought about it. If the guest recognized the wife or acted strangely around her, chances are you wouldn’t even notice.

I agree that there is no easy way out of this, so I would suggest letting the chips fall where they may. Be the gracious hosts and know that other people’s bad behavior has nothing to do with you. A large glass of wine can help.

And the next time a friend starts telling you about an affair, stop them. I don’t think it’s fair to put other people in situations that give them no choice but to be complicit.

Dear Jane,

My husband and I have been happily married for seven years. We have a great marriage and relationship and a comfortable life we ​​have built together. So why write you might ask?

Well, right before my husband and I started dating, I had an on-again-off-again romance with an ex that lasted years. We weren’t right for each other in a relationship, but the sexual chemistry was so great that we just kept reconnecting – and it wasn’t until I met my husband that I was able to break up with him once and for all .

While sex with my husband is different than with my ex—more loving, but perhaps less passionate—I knew I had made the right decision by choosing a loving relationship over one based solely on lust.

But lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my ex-partner. Not just thinking about him, but fantasizing about him and the moments we used to have together. And what doesn’t help is that he has gotten back in touch with me and has told me that he has been thinking about me a lot too.

He knows I’m married and over the past seven years every message we’ve exchanged has been friendly and nothing more.

But recently that has changed and we’ve been sending each other flirty texts that are getting more and more sexual, even admitting to each other that we miss the previous hookups. And now he makes it very clear that if I can find a moment to steal away, he wants to resume our sexual relationship.

Suddenly realizing how easy it would be to meet up with him after work, one thought leads to another…

Maybe it’s just the seven year itch, but here I am knowing how much passion I have with this other man and knowing that the other man is reaching out to me now and wants me as much as I want him.

I will not betray my husband – the relationship and partnership with him is worth more to me. I think. But I’m so tempted to meet up with my ex. So what do I do? Continue a steamy affair that could risk my marriage, or stay in a secure marriage but never be fully satisfied sexually? Is there any way I can get over this desire and temptation and find that satisfaction with my husband?

From,

Led into temptation

Dear Lead into temptation,

Well, of course you’ve been thinking a lot about your ex – the fact that he slips into your DMs and reminds you of a perfect past (it probably wasn’t so perfect, or why would he be an ex?) , and a hot sex life means it’s only natural that you think about him.

Fantasizing about an ex, idealizing a sex life with that gender, is a convenient and common way to avoid the messy and often hard work of maintaining a marriage. Far easier to lose yourself in flirty, sexy messages that make you feel seen than to focus on your happy, comfortable and maybe a little boring marriage.

But the truth is, most marriages become what I call “pots and pans” after a while. However passionate they may be in the beginning, after a few years we get stuck in our routines, take each other for granted, and the safe, loving marriage can start to feel lackluster, especially compared to an idealized lustful relationship of the past.

You say you don’t want to betray your husband, so… don’t. No matter how sexy emails from your ex make you feel, no matter how good your sex life is, it’s absolutely not worth throwing away a loving marriage with a good man for a few decent rolls in the hay.

Lust is a strong feeling and one that is hard to walk away from, but walk away you must. Stop emails, recognize them for what they really are – not a reminder of great sex, but a regular dose of dopamine hits that are addictive and dangerous.

Imagine the pain you would cause your husband and the regret you would feel when you dissolved your marriage for a few nights of passion. How do we know it will only be a few nights? Because passion doesn’t last, an ex is an ex for a reason, and the prospect of illicit sex is always more exciting simply because it’s illegal.

Most of all, know that the grass is greener where you water it. The sooner you end the emails and start putting the focus back on your marriage, the better for everyone. I can promise you that if you jump into an affair, you will end up with a broken heart and a life full of regret.