Our 16 year old daughter Ella wanted to die… this is how we brought her back from the brink

No parent should ever have to read their child’s suicide note. In 2021, my daughter Ella was 16 and had just had a nervous breakdown. I was cleaning up her bedroom and found a pile of notes she had written.

Some of them said – grimly – that she would not live. Another was a letter to all of us – myself, my husband and her older sister – saying she was really sorry, she loved us, but leaving us was for the best because she was a burden. As a mother, you would think I would break down. But by this time we had already traveled so far that all I felt was numb horror.

Unfortunately, our family’s story is far from unique. We all know there is a mental health crisis; in 2021, one in six children aged five to 16 were thought to be likely to have a mental health problem, and around 7 per cent of all UK children have attempted suicide by the age of 17, with one in four saying they had harmed itself. So our experience will probably resonate with many parents.

In 2021, one in six children aged five to 16 were thought to be likely to have a mental health problem, and around 7 per cent of all UK children have attempted suicide by the age of 17

In 2021, one in six children aged five to 16 were thought to be likely to have a mental health problem, and around 7 per cent of all UK children have attempted suicide by the age of 17

When you care for a child with a life-threatening mental illness, you live in the moment, day to day. There is no headspace to think about yourself. Parents are the afterthought of any mental health service and are left to fend for themselves – or not. But the impact of a suicidal child is devastating to the whole family and not knowing how to support them leaves us searching for answers ourselves.

Ella’s mental challenges started with physical health problems. She was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, where parts of the digestive system become inflamed, in early 2019 when she was just 13.

When we got a diagnosis, she suffered from anorexia and OCD. I have come to realize that mental health issues are rarely straightforward; one element mixes with another.

It took a long time to find the right treatment, and before we could, the pandemic hit.

During the first lockdown, Ella’s OCD began to manifest, with constant washing of her hands, and then she gradually stopped eating. In the second lockdown, she had a major operation which caused enormous trauma and pain. She later said that she thought she was going to die and that she wanted to because she was in such pain. I now know that the psychologists she saw knew that she had been having suicidal thoughts, but it was not directly expressed to us.

Once a child turns 16, parents are not given information without their permission because they are considered adults enough to make their own choices.

There are very practical considerations in being a parent of a sick child. I am self employed and I stopped working completely six months after her surgery and collapse in 2021. With the help of my aunt we were able to cope with this loss of income and keep Ella at home. I shudder to think how things might have been if we hadn’t been able to do this.

But her older sister suffered enormously because my husband and I were not as present as we should have been for her.

We then realized that Ella was self-harming and found knives hidden in her bedroom. We went through the whole house and hid something sharp. I kept scissors on high shelves and kitchen knives were rolled up in a towel and stuffed in a pot. I didn’t let her out of my sight and slept on a mattress in her room for fear she would hurt herself again. I felt abandoned as a parent. It took a long time to navigate CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services, run by the NHS) – what to ask for, who to call outside when we had a crisis. They are woefully understaffed and underfunded and struggle to deal with the hundreds of thousands of children who need support.

Once a child is 16, parents are not given information without their permission because they are considered old enough to make their own choices

Once a child is 16, parents are not given information without their permission because they are considered old enough to make their own choices

Once a child is 16, parents are not given information without their permission because they are considered old enough to make their own choices

A great responsibility is placed on the parents, and yet we are hardly qualified to deal with such serious problems. Sometimes the self-harm meant we had to rush her to the emergency room. They weren’t really deep cuts, but I felt like I couldn’t handle them myself.

I coped by putting my feelings aside and shutting down my emotions. We feared for Ella’s life on so many occasions and eventually the brain stops being able to absorb more trauma. I never stopped hoping that she would return to school, but I managed by just doing what had to be done. It was my husband who was screaming in the car.

There was a lot of friction in the family and we are still mending as a couple. I am an older mother and had I been younger I would have asked why me. It was exhausting and I couldn’t do anything that was just for me. I have only now, two years later, started to pick up my hobbies again.

There were three things that finally saved Ella and us, all of which occurred just over a year ago. At this point I was exhausted and desperate for solutions. We felt we had reached the end of the road with medication and therapy.

First was a 12-session trial of pain at King’s College Hospital using the complementary pranic healing therapy. Led by Les Flitcroft, founder and director of the Institute of Pranic Healing UK and Ireland, this is an energy therapy and non-invasive healing technique based on the principle that the body has the unconditional ability to heal itself, which was completely transformative for Ella . The other was a puppy. We put eight-week-old Eric, a beautiful, sniffy labrador, on her lap, and he immediately wrapped his paws around her neck. Eric gave her a reason to get out of bed every morning.

The third savior was as much to me, her mother, as it was to Ella. We heard about the charity Body & Soul in 2022 through a friend of mine and they invited me on to their parents and carers course – Braver Together. I was reluctant at first because I thought I didn’t want to be my daughter’s therapist or learn to do anything new.

The goal of the 12-week program is to increase knowledge of symptoms and behaviors for friends, family members, partners and siblings, and to understand their own reactions to their loved ones. It draws your focus – reluctantly – back to yourself and creates a sense of community with those who have felt equally alone and left out of the system, helping to speed up a sense of healing.

I was able to separate myself from Ella’s problems to help her more effectively. It was only two hours a week online and it gave me a lot of practical skills and resources. It was the first time I had heard it acknowledged that there is no support for parents and that there needs to be – especially mothers. The lead therapist shifted the burden from us by pointing out that you cannot save someone, you must first equip yourself with the skills to help you cope.

Ella is now 18 and is much more stable. She is in remission from Crohn’s and anorexia and has fully regained weight. She has stopped self-harming and is back in full-time education and plans to work in the NHS in some capacity because she was helped and received so much kindness there. After suffering so much, she would make a very compassionate nurse!

Recently we had to clean out our shed. As I moved tools to one side, I saw a bag full of pins, needles, and nail clippers—everything sharp you can imagine—that we had to remove from the house. It was a reminder of how bad it had been and how lucky we were to have support to help us through.

I just wish everyone in our situation could be so lucky.

As told to Alice Smellie