12 decor trends of Christmas that should be banned

Christmas. I think I hate it. The compulsion to be downright cheerful from now until the New Year; rampant consumerism due to intrusive television advertising; overheated, increasingly cursing stores. And let’s not forget the need to accept, entertain and seek out the most thoughtful gifts. This is all too much.

But as an interiors expert, the one thing that will piss me off the most is your choice of decorations.

I can’t get over the fact that Christmas decor trends come and go so often these days. For me the formula is fixed and simple: real tree, low, dense needles, about 6 feet tall. Decorate it with a selection of random trinkets collected over the years, white garlands, perhaps a fairy or angel on top. Place the cards on every available shelf and you’re done.

But apparently I’m in the minority. Now there’s always some wacky innovation to try—from pampas grass Christmas trees to a spiral “floating” tree made from chicken wire suspended from the ceiling—and they’ve been the talk of the town on social media since September.

But why do we need to buy a whole new set of decorations every year? Of course, all that money would be better spent on meaningful gifts or experiences, rather than on panic-bought items that will end up in a landfill by January.

So here are 12 Christmas decorating quirks that I wish went straight down the chimney. . .

1. STAY AWAY FROM PINK GUM

According to Pinterest Trend, searches for pink Christmas decor have increased by 286 percent over the past six months.

Cause? Movie Mania Barbie, of course. Parent company Mattel has been involved in collaborations with more than 100 brands spanning fashion, beauty, homewares and more. So perhaps it was inevitable that the madness would last long enough to ruin the holiday season, although I wish to God it wouldn’t happen.

Now you can choose a full-fledged Barbicor with real rosewood (eg synthetic, artificial, plastic). Or tone it down with an assortment of blush baubles, butterflies, bows, ribbons and bunting.

I liked the movie, but are we missing the point if we turn home and home into some cheesy puppet party?

Barbie was all about female empowerment, but the color pink is actually a calming color. It is modest and beautiful, that is, terribly boring.

Give me natural spruce with crisp greens, golds and reds any time.

2. ALL MISHRUSHA NEEDS TO BE BANNED

Sorry, but I hate tinsel anywhere and on anything. I love shiny baubles or sparkles, but bright sparkly swirls wrapping around the TV and encircling every picture? Just say no. It’s the decorative equivalent of a flammable acrylic Christmas jumper with Rudolph’s light-up nose.

Also, even if it claims that it is biodegradable, it is a lie. Nothing so tasteless can be good.

3. CHOOSE ONLY WHITE LIGHTS

I also hang colorful Christmas lights in the tacky tinsel camp. I know this is controversial since they can be considered “fun”, but I prefer the character of my tree to be in the trinkets (feel free to get crazy here).

When it comes to lighting, the only option is white string lights on green strings, so all you see are pinpoints of light.

4. THE DECORATED STAIRWAY IS TOO FAR

If I could ban garlands on railings, I would. Call me old-fashioned, but handrails are there for a reason: to be held onto. It’s not easy when there are yards of tinsel and fairy lights in the way. On some you can barely see the stairs because of the spruce branches, huge lanterns, pennants and bows. Please take this away.

5. BE SURE TO EXORCISE THE BOWS

No less OTT are bows tied on candles and cascades of paper nonsense over mantelpieces. Two words: fire hazard!

Truth be told, bows on anything drive me crazy. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Some things—doorknobs, picture frames, a dog—don’t need any work.

6. Don’t pander to the pampas.

I can’t stand pampas grass. Or any other clearly non-timber tree. It’s too self-consciously the alternative: “Look at me, I’m so quirky and anti-establishment.” I’m sorry, but if you don’t “do” Christmas, then fine, don’t “do” Christmas.

7. PUT REAL TREES, NOT BRANCHES.

Likewise, no one is fooled by the aesthetics of a decorated branch. Nothing makes me angry like a single branch with pieces of dried orange hanging from it – that’s not an artistic statement, it’s a stick with dried fruit on it. Bad show, better forget it.

8. METALLICS JUST DRIVE YOU CRAZY.

For those deciding to ditch the classic green spruce, copper is supposedly the must-have metal for artificial trees this year – check out the £229 John Lewis 7ft model, currently sold out. Advertised as “thick and dense,” it appears to be “an ideal backdrop for decorations, especially in rich tones of red, green, purple and blue.” Probably not all together, otherwise it looks like a big bruise.

But the overall effect is reminiscent of real wood left too close to a radiator. Plus, today’s new product is always tomorrow’s trash. This means it will sit in a landfill for the next 500 years.

9. KEEP YOUR TREE RELIABLY GROUNDED

There is something reassuring about seeing a noble spruce standing proudly at attention in its pot. So spare me the kind of clever concept tree “installations” that leave me scratching my head.

The upside-down Christmas tree suspended from the ceiling, first spotted at Tate Britain in 2016, has no place in a sane person’s home. . . Neither does this year’s “floating” spiral tree, made from chicken wire and blooming orchids, whose creator Marco Zamora has racked up more than 600,000 likes on Instagram.

10. DON’T JOIN A CHAIN ​​GANG

Paper chains straddle the line between messy and charming homespun. I spent hours making them as a child, but they are still incredibly confusing among everyone. They get in the way, break easily, are an invitation to chaos for cats, and by the end of the season they will become tattered and dirty dust collectors.

11. ANIMAL PRINT DRIVES ME CRAZY

Animal prints have no place in the holiday home. I saw random wildlife trinkets, zebra print wrapping paper, cheetah spotted ribbons. Just say no.

We confuse our Bible stories – today is not Noah’s birthday. Animal prints come and go in fashion, but that doesn’t make them right or classic. Somehow they seem completely inappropriate for Christmas – so less leopard print, more reindeer please.

12. DO NOT DELIVER CANDY TO THE TREE.

Inspired by the new movie Wonka, some style queens have gone crazy for a traditional tree decorated with striped bows, candy canes and candy canes. But candy themed trees seem so American. Another. Not for us. Imported and artificial.

I also can’t stand the insane crowding that comes with this species. Essentially, you’ve built a cone of saccharine, sickly debris under which the poor tree suffocates. I don’t have a hard and fast relationship between wood and trinket, but you should at least be able to see the branches.

BUT HERE’S ONE “UNRELIEVED” TREND I REALLY LIKE. . .

This may shock you, but I love it when people decorate their gardens with bananas. Yes, it’s stupid as hell, but it’s so generous that we can all participate.

Gnomes with garlands, teak. Inflatable deer, double teak. Projections of snowflakes falling on the facade of the house, great respect!

Add fairy lights scattered around any tree or bush (though they’re still white) and faux snow pictures on the windows and a sign that says “Santa Stop Here!” I love you too.

On the contrary, I know.