ESTHER RANTZEN: I asked Mail readers to help me plan my funeral. Your choices – from dropping ashes into a firework display to spectacular song choices – have moved me to tears and howls of laughter!
The wonderful privilege of working in television is that you actually join your audience in their own homes, as real friends. Only our viewers have the added benefit that when we’re boring or annoying, they can just tune us out.
The stories we told on That’s Life! — the consumer program I presented and produced for a joyous, memorable 21 years — trusted our viewers; their letters became the stories we told. And that meant I developed an even closer relationship with them.
As a result, when I’ve asked the viewers, my friends, for help, start charities like Childline and The Silver Line, I’ve been lucky enough to be inundated with it. The generous, compassionate public always gave us the support and confidence we needed. I am so grateful.
And then I found myself reaching out to my old friends again recently. A year after I was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, my children told me to plan my funeral. I remembered how grateful I was to my beloved late husband, Desmond Wilcox, who planned his memorial service down to the smallest detail.
Like him, I decided I wanted my service to include music and readings I love, not all dark, lots of laughs. But how do you choose?
A year after she was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, Dame Esther is meticulously planning her funeral
Dame Esther was grateful to her beloved late husband, Desmond Wilcox, who planned her memorial service down to the last detail
Confused, I followed the habit of a lifetime and asked you, readers of the TheWSTNews, for help. And you didn’t let me down. Over the last few weeks I have read the suggestions you sent me, listened to music and read poems, sometimes moved to tears, sometimes howled with laughter.
I have been completely overwhelmed by the kindness and talent of literally hundreds of people who sent me the help I desperately needed. So many thanks to you all.
Prior to my public prayer, I had gone so far as to choose my favorite poet, John Donne, and his lovely poem that began: ‘Sweetest love, I go not to tire of thee’. It ends with the magical line ‘Those who keep each other alive shall never part’. From the sublime to the very funny, I also chose Pam Ayres’ poem ‘Oh, I Wish I’d I’d Looked After Me Teeth’. Just my thoughts.
But so what? This is where you came in.
There have been practical proposals. For example, the website Whiteballoon has advice for anyone planning a funeral. Really helpful.
Another fabulous idea I hadn’t thought of: someone decided that her ashes should be filled into a firework so that she would be sent up into the sky in a shower of stars.
Two people told me of funerals where little bags of daffodil bulbs were handed out to the congregation – a joyful reminder of their lost loved one each spring.
The hardest challenge was choosing between your wonderful ideas for music. My apologies to all the fans of That’s Life! who suggested the Sinatra song of that title. It was by far the most popular suggestion, but it brings back difficult memories for me.
While the show was on the air, every time I tripped over a cobblestone or failed to back into a parking lot, someone watching would yell, ‘That’s life, Esther!’ I’ll have to smile appreciatively. Not easy. So while everyone else would of course enjoy its appropriateness, that song might give me an involuntary shudder in the afterlife.
Another apology to everyone who suggested My Way, Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life and Time To Say Goodbye. All brilliant songs. The fact that I have not chosen them is due to my desire to be original. Which just goes to show how arrogant I am, even in death. I’m hoping for something others may not know, something more personal.
I can’t say that your ideas always make it easy for me. Like the person who said, ‘My suggestion is that you record a welcome to everyone present at your service. . . Let them know you are with them in spirit and want the day to be joyful, a reflection of your extraordinary life.’
Wow. There is a challenge. Would my old That’s Life! warm up work? I used to welcome the studio audience every week by making them shake hands. It might be too alarming at a funeral.
That said, at my husband’s funeral, we began with a Thought for the Day he recorded after he narrowly survived a heart attack. Somehow his voice and his authentic thoughts about life and death had initially left their mark on everything that followed. And that really meant that his spirit was there all the way through. So I will try to record a suitable welcome.
When it comes to choosing readings, many suggested Don’t Stand by My Grave and Weep. It describes how, when we die, we survive in the sunlight, the starlight, the beauty of the world around us; it is incredibly healing.
Several people had found a poem I had never heard of called Dash, by Linda Ellis. The dash, she points out, is what comes between your date of birth and the date you died on your tombstone. The poem says: ‘Cause it doesn’t matter how much we own, the cars, the house, the cash. What matters is how we live and love and how we use our streak.’ It’s thoughtful and thoughtful, so I’m very grateful for that suggestion.
I must also thank all those who told me their own stories of loss. A lady who lost her husband of 60 years two years ago chose a remarkable poem by Joyce Grenfell for her funeral.
It reads: ‘If I should die before the rest of you, do not break a flower or inscribe a stone. Nor, when I am gone, speak in a Sunday voice, But be the usual self that I have known. Cry if you must, divorce is hell. But life goes on, so sing too.’
Another lady began her message: ‘You remind me of my mother. She was also a tough old bird.’ Her mother had trusted her to arrange the funeral, and since her mother’s favorite singer was Judy Garland, she ended the service with Somewhere Over The Rainbow. The perfect choice.
Dame Esther surrounded by her children and grandchildren
It makes me wonder if I should also leave it to my kids to fix everything after I’m gone. I decide to give them my list, with my permission to change it in any way they want.
Also thanks to all those who made me laugh with their messages. Very welcome when planning your own funeral.
Pearl, 85, wrote that she has asked friends to leave her funeral to Lonnie Donegan’s ‘Have a drink, have a drink, have a drink on me’. She wrote: ‘I want my waking year to be cheerful full of tears of laughter not sadness. Just hope there’s enough in my bank account to cover the bar bill.
A Wham! fan with terminal breast cancer wants the aftermath before she dies so she can see all her friends and family. Her choice of song was Wake Me Up Before I Go-Go. She ends her message: ‘Good luck Esther, don’t give up. I’m still here seven years after my terminal diagnosis.’
I have been particularly impressed by 15 poems you have written yourself. From mischievous limericks to friendly sonnets, how very generous to take the time to write them and how talented you are! An Irresistible Ode was written by Ann Knight, 63, from North Cornwall, in the style of That’s Life’s own poet, comedian Cyril Fletcher. So let me end my funeral, as I ended every That’s Life!, by saying ‘And Finally’. . .’