I’m a restaurant critic, but I use my fingers to wash up sauce. Here are the table manners that really matter

Some table manners are sacred, and you ignore them at your social peril. As a restaurant critic and food writer for 30 years – and a parent – I think they say a lot about a person.

Those who cannot get through a meal without showing some basic social skills and behaving politely and appropriately at the table are unlikely to love anyone.

But a new study has revealed that most table manners today are considered irrelevant, especially among Gen Z, but also across other generations.

I absolutely love my food and don’t mind admitting that some of my eating habits have definitely raised eyebrows. My partner has been amazed at how viscerally I thrust in and end up with not only sticky fingers but a messy chin, not to mention gourmet waste all over my half of the table.

So much so, he has coined a new phrase and affectionately calls me a ‘messytarian’.

But while I regard some table settings as mere stuffy etiquette that can be happily ignored, there are others that I think should be embraced wholeheartedly.

Read on for my definitive guide to modern manners.

Carry a napkin like a small child does

Think of all the times you’ve dribbled food down yourself. Where did it land? On your cleavage!

So what good is a napkin that is placed primarily in the lap?

This is exactly why I tuck mine into my top, especially when I’m wearing something new.

It might not be the height of good manners, but surely it’s a better look than chorizo ​​and tomato sauce dripping down my silk shirt?

Eat with your hands, even in restaurants

It is considerate to respect the boundaries of fellow diners by not using your fingers in communal dishes.

But when I’m really enjoying a sauce, I like to use my little finger to discreetly wipe up the remaining drips.

I consider it the greatest compliment to the chef that I simply can’t get enough, even though others have been shocked by this.

I use my fingers far more than strictly necessary – and perhaps acceptable.

I would even pick up a particularly juicy chicken leg in a fine dining room to my partner’s horror and encourage others to tuck in just as happily.

Ignore rituals are enclosed

The most ridiculous table etiquette is the directive to only pass food to the right. Who wants the cream sent on a pilgrimage around the table?

My somewhat formal former mother-in-law was an absolute stickler for this, especially regarding the cheese board.

We would annoy her by hacking and changing its direction, making our choices as we did so and making sure it had been searched by the time it reached her.

My mother-in-law was right about one thing, which leads me on to the manners that I think count.

While I believe that all of the previously mentioned practices are acceptable – and can be embraced in even the rarest of social settings – if you are guilty of the following, you will reveal yourself to be inflexible and uncultured, as well as lacking in basic manners , and risk never being invited back.

Know your cheese

I am horrified by the memory of being shamed at my first lunch with my former in-laws – for cutting my nose off the brie.

It was considered the most almighty faux pas because I had just soiled the delicious gooey center all to myself. The thought still makes me blush.

Do not weaponize your cutlery

You should never wave your cutlery around when talking. Historically, this was seen as aggressive and implied that you were going to pick a fight. Maybe you do, but it’s still the height of bad manners.

Stay seated

Getting up from the table in the middle of a meal is annoying to other diners.

If you suddenly spot an old friend across the restaurant’s dining room, you might make your excuses between courses if you have to greet them.

If you eat out with children, tell them that it is not acceptable to tumble and kick the table, and also to go to the bathroom more often than seems real. It is unashamedly relaxing to the other diners present.

Never double-dip

If you’re eating on small plates that ‘come out when they’re ready’, it’s far more polite to take your portion and put it on a plate rather than dip and go back for seconds.

It opens up the possibility of cutlery that has entered your mouth returning to the plate with communal food, and that’s an almighty no-no.

Indeed, some people feel very icky about sharing plates this way.

Timing is everything

It’s questionable to dig in as soon as your dish arrives unless other diners urge you to start before it cools.

I also hate it if a server starts clearing plates before everyone is done, forcing others to rush.

Clearing plates too early is also a red flag when hosting at home.

You couldn’t send a clearer sign that you want them gone.

And stacking the dishwasher while people are still at the table is bad, unless they’re really good friends and you’ve excused yourself for a really early start the next morning.

Put your friends before phones

Never let technology be more important than your dining companions.

Looking at your phone while you eat (phone snubbing or ‘phubbing’) indicates that you don’t value the company.

There are exceptions, such as when you have to take a call at work. But if you only have your phone to check the occasional incoming message, it’s better to put it away.

I’m shocked at how many of my friends think it’s acceptable to have their phones handy. Even my father, who is almost 92.

I often tease him and scold him, to little avail.

I’m not in the dark ages so I don’t mind taking a few pictures of plates of food – which I do regularly for my social media.

But eat it, don’t put it up (until later).