JANA HOCKING: I’m sorry, but these are the signs your Christmas is ‘bogan’: Supermarket roast chooks, Jatz crackers on a platter, ‘snags’ and tacky ‘fast fashion’ presents

Bogans, terrible creatures!

Just kidding, this is my favorite part of Christmas. Why? Because they really enjoy this day and go out to play.

You see, when I think of Christmas, I think of champagne breakfast, shrimp, mango salad, and a cricket in the backyard. But what brings me real joy is watching others spend money during the 5:00 p.m. newscasts. I usually do this while rubbing my Pavlova-filled belly and ignoring the afternoon snoring of family members.

You know what I’m talking about. There’s usually some young rookie reporter who’s been given a Christmas shift and forced to travel to our favorite parks and campgrounds to film the Aussie bogans in action.

To be fair, the news usually shows all sorts of Australians and how they spent Chrissy’s day. But let’s be honest, the real reason to watch is the plethora of glorious bogans who don’t get laid on this holy day.

Whether they’re burping around the Christmas table surrounded by their loved ones or diving into the local river fully dressed as Santa, they provide great entertainment and remind me why we celebrate this day in the best country in the world.

Here are some examples of behavior that I think qualify someone as a bogan at Christmas.

1. Serve a roast straight from your bachelor bag for Christmas dinner.

If you haven’t heard of the term “bachelor’s handbag” yet, let me quote it from the Macquarie Dictionary (it won term of the year in 2022, FYI).

“Fried chicken from a supermarket takeaway, packaged in a small plastic bag with a handle that resembles a handbag. A popular purchase favored by single men.”

Why spend hours trying to piece together the 12 ingredients Jamie Oliver needs for his fried chicken when you can go to the supermarket and buy yourself a decent cut for under $10? This is bogan mathematics at its finest.

2. Shirtless at the Christmas table

If you don’t have at least one outlawed uncle flaunting his best shirtless beer belly at the Christmas table, have you even had Christmas? Extra points for having a hairy chest.

3. Trifle with store-bought jam rolls and port-flavored packets of jelly.

If you give Nigella a rhetorical middle finger with her fancy trousers, a trifle made with rosewater cream, amaretto-soaked sponge cake and lemon curd – and decide to make yours with store-bought jam rolls, a jar of two fruits and a generous helping of port . flavored jelly packets, dollops of custard straight from the box and a good soaking of sherry – you’ve just created yourself a bogan bogan treat.

I wouldn’t mind either, to be honest.

4. A trip to the emergency room

If I could, I would happily sit in the emergency room on Christmas Day with a huge bag of popcorn and watch the drama play out in all its divine beauty.

Moms yell at dads who decide to drink beer instead of watching little Freddie skate on his first roller skates. At least one adult family member became glazed over after attempting a backflip in an inflatable pool, despite a serious lack of coordination.

Cousin John’s hopeless attempt to open a beer bottle with his teeth. Or in one case (so a friendly doctor told me) a lollipop got stuck in an unimaginable hole.

The emergency room is a haven for naughty Christmas bogans. Be careful people.

5. Calling sausage “snag”

When I think of the word snags, it conjures up the voice of nasal Sheila really trying hard to say “ah.” As in, “Honey, you can pass snaaaaaags.” Thank you, darling. Just the thought of it makes me crave a Bunnings sausage sizzle.

6. Smoking grandfathers

These nice, silver-haired thugs will rant about how “there was no such thing as lung cancer in my day” while lighting a durrie and popping open a can of VB. Oh, Grandpa, it just isn’t Christmas without your tobacco smell filling the already overheated dining room during lunch.

7. Budget-friendly cheese platters

Jatz biscuits, pickled onions (such an underrated delicacy), supermarket salami, French onion sauce (served in a plastic tub with just folded foil) and diced cheese.

I’m not going to lie, I could vacuum this up in thirty seconds, but if you haven’t branched out and bought at least one good piece of Camembert, then wear your bogan badge with pride.

8. Give gifts in the style of “fast fashion”.

There are now hundreds of online fashion stores that copy the latest trends and mass produce them at low cost, usually producing them in large overseas warehouses and paying their employees very low wages. Causes sharp discontent, but at the same time very popular.

The upper class among us is now supporting sustainable fashion by donating beautiful vintage clothing. The bogans among us are waiting at the post office for “three tops for $20” delivery.

9. Wine from a box

Just because it’s Christmas doesn’t mean Australians will be discovering good things, oh no. Haven’t you heard about the cost of living crisis?! If you’ve stopped by Aldi to pick up one of their best swashbuckler bags, then you, dear reader, are a true bogan.

Extra points if you finish it all on your own. Santa has already shared the gifts, you don’t need to either.

10. Cricket in the backyard without shoes on

If you’re wearing loafers during the annual family cricket match, you’re too fashionable! And dare I say, they deserve to be fairly roasted. Bindi be damned, true Aussie bogans ditch the shoes and deal with the consequences later.

11. New aprons

Oh, I am guilty of this charge! If you have an apron with a witty (if slightly cringe-worthy) message like “Dear Santa, Is it too late to be nice?” or “GIN-gle all the way” or “Merry Christmas you filthy animal”, you won’t be on this year’s best dressed list. I reward myself with extra points for posing nude and shamelessly posting it on Instagram. No, you’re a bogan! *Sob*

12. Bright decorations

Tinsel of any color except gold and red. If your Christmas tree looks like it has a rainbow on it, then the style jury will find you GUILTY of bad taste. An unusual Christmas tree sticks to a strictly gold and/or red color scheme. Possibly silver at a stretch. Your living room should resemble a David Jones storefront. If you step outside of these strict style rules, hang your bogan head in shame.

And finally… let me introduce you to our wonderful Christmas tradition: Santa and reindeer made from hay bales that have been rotting in our family’s barn for too long. When I noticed this while driving down the driveway, I was reminded that Christmas is indeed coming, and I think all of our local farmers would agree. You Kardashians can keep your incredible boogie jewelry. Give me a hay bale with a few sticks and Kmart trinkets any day.

Now crack open a cold one, have a good burp and let’s all embrace our inner bogan this Christmas. They seem to be having the most fun.

Oh, and Merry Christmas. If Santa read any of my articles this year, I think it’s safe to assume I’ll be on the naughty list, but hopefully he’s turned a blind eye to the rest of you.